The Grief of Growth: Honoring Your Past Self As You Step Into Healing
If you’re on a growth journey, you know that it can be a WILD ride. There are the highs of stepping into your power, confidence and living more joyfully. There’s the satisfaction of being treated as you always deserved. Then there are the lows. The fear of the unknown. The old patterns that creep forward. And something we don’t often talk about is the grief that accompanies growth.
As we step into healthier, happier versions of ourselves, we have to confront the painful realities of what we once accepted. The poor treatment we received, the painful limiting beliefs we internalized, and the joy we unknowingly denied ourselves. But the grief isn’t a setback; it’s part of the process. It’s only once we acknowledge and process the grief that we can fully embrace the person we are becoming.
Understanding the Grief of Growth
Over the summer, I dated a man who treated me with deep respect, communicated openly and honestly, and showed up consistently and intentionally. It all felt…easy; and that was new for me. In the past, the beginning of relationships was marked by anxiety, confusion and feeling like I had to work hard, prove my worth in order to establish the relationship and gain the reassurance of commitment. A very common experience for those of us with anxious attachment patterns, am I right, babes?
About a month into dating this wonderful man, while driving home, a song came on that reminded me of my ex and I burst into tears. Sobs really, the kind where you need to pull off the road for safety purposes. My new man and my ex shared a lot of wonderful qualities and I couldn’t help but compare them, just a little bit. In reflecting on how my new relationship was developing, I was struck by the difficulty of building a relationship with my ex.
In this moment of self-actualization, of valuing myself enough to feel valued by others, I felt overwhelmed by a wave of grief for my past self, the version of myself who couldn’t even fathom a connection marked by ease, flow and feeling fully chosen. The version of myself who tried her absolute best with the resources she had at the time. That’s not to say that my ex was a bad person. In fact, he was a great communicator who was honest about not being ready for commitment. But he made me feel seen, chosen and valued in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. So, I chose to stick around, scared of being alone and hoping he might one day change his mind and choose me.
In choosing him, I didn’t realize that I was actually abandoning myself. Didn’t realize that my actions reflected a belief that I couldn’t find anyone better than him, that I didn’t even think myself worthy of him.
All of these pieces, which I had uncovered over the course of several years and regular therapy, came into clear focus, and with that clarity came anger, guilt and sadness. Anger at how I had been treated. Guilt that I had accepted such treatment, wasted so much time ignoring the reality of the situation, hoping for different outcomes. And deep sadness for my past self who felt powerless.
Healing helps us see our past selves through a new, more compassionate lens. But it’s also bittersweet to see how we struggled, settled or were stuck in ways we couldn’t recognize at the time.
You, Too?
That moment in my car wasn’t just about one past relationship; it was about years of patterns, self-worth struggles and the grief of realizing how I had settled. And I know I’m not alone in this. Maybe you’ve finally had enough space from an ex-partner, situationship or crush to recognize how hard things were. Maybe you’re in your first healthy relationship and comparing it to past experiences. Or maybe you’re in the middle of a questionable connection right now, wondering if you should walk away.
Wherever you are in your growth journey, here are some signs you’re experiencing grief:
Anger: This was the first thing I experienced, and what I see most often in my clients. It’s only in experiencing the good that we can truly see how bad things used to be, and that contrast can make us absolutely furious at the people who treated us poorly and the beliefs we internalized.
Waves of sadness: Things are going really well in life, you can clearly see your progress and upward trajectory. In spite of all the positives, you still feel waves of deep sadness.
Regret or guilt: Why did I stick around so long? What was wrong with me that I made such terrible decisions? How would my life be different if I had just smartened up sooner? I should have known better. Harsh.
Difficulty celebrating progress: When you’re stuck in grief, it’s hard to acknowledge and celebrate how far you’ve come.
Disconnection from self: It’s really hard to let go of your past self. We gravitate towards the familiar and fear the unknown. Stepping into a new, unfamiliar identity, a new version of yourself can be jarring.
Recognizing and acknowledging the grief is the first step in processing it. From here, we need to step into compassion.
Honoring Past You
Anger, guilt and sadness can make it difficult to view your past self with gentleness and compassion. But that’s exactly where we need to start.
Reframe
You never deserved the pain you experienced, but what if we can reframe those difficult experiences as lessons, stepping stones to help us get to a more aligned, more joyful and fuller life?
If we shift our perspective, we can see that every moment of struggle taught us something. The confusion, the missteps, the heartbreak, they weren’t detours; they were part of the journey. Our past selves weren’t failing or wasting time, rather they were collecting the experiences we needed to step into the person we are today.
Think of your past self who was struggling with things you now understand:
What were they learning?
What strengths did they develop through that experience?
What clarity did they gain that they didn’t have before?
Listen, your past self was trying SO hard. Their only aim was to keep you safe, loved and protected from loneliness. So they did their absolute best with the limited resources they had at the time. Rather than criticizing them, hold them gently and compassionately, thanking them for their hard work and conviction. Now it’s your turn to carry them forward into a stage they never believed possible .
Journaling/Letter-Writing
Write a letter to your past self, sharing all the progress you’ve made. Acknowledge her efforts, lean into self-compassion, then show her how far you’ve come. You’ve been places, experienced things and built connections you never believed were possible, you little baddie, you. When my clients hit a rough patch on their growth journey, doubting their trajectory, we always take a moment for celebration. You may not realize it in the moment but holy shit, you’ve come SO FAR. Take this as an opportunity for not only self-compassion, but also closure.
Shake It Out
We’re trying to teach your nervous system to feel safe in your current self, so when sadness, anger or regret trigger big sensations, know that it is NOT a sign of backsliding. It’s a normal part of the process, your body seeking the safety of the familiar. On top of stepping into the unfamiliar, you’ve likely been operating from a state of dysregulation (think anxiety, stress, overthinking) for a long time. Our poor, frazzled nervous systems, doing the most to keep us safe! Take a moment to ground yourself and self-soothe.
Those emotions will linger until you express them. So whatever you’re feeling, find ways to connect with and move through the feels by engaging in somatic techniques and movement. Try shaking or a wall press (press against a wall like you’re trying to move it) to release anger. Put on a song that feels fitting and dance it out. Give yourself a hug when you feel sad. Try deep breathing exercises or a body scan. Shift away from your thoughts and focus instead on physical sensations.
Visualization
One of my favorite visualizations I learned from my own coach and which I share with all of my clients is to picture your current self, resourced, powerful and expansive as you are, sitting with your past self. Have a conversation, hold past you’s hand, put an arm around their shoulder; provide them with the validation they needed and reassurance that you can carry forward the lessons they gained.
Onward!
Growth is a process of expansion and with that expansion, we experience moments of contraction where we feel low, doubt ourselves, face-off with old patterns and linger on past experiences. In those moments, take a beat, feel through it and appreciate it as a moment to synthesize the lessons you’ve gathered throughout your journey.
I like to think of growth journeys like moving into a new house. It’s big, new, full of hopes, dreams and endless possibilities. But it can also feel cold, strange and scary at first, too large and entirely foreign. You actually miss your old home with its leaky roof, weird shag carpet, shitty water pressure and nosy neighbors. There’s deep comfort in the familiar, the well-worn paths, the place that once felt like home. But you’re meant for greater and it will just take some time to settle into the newness. With time, the new space starts to feel like yours. Bit by bit you fill it with things that reflect the new you until it becomes home. You may still have days of feeling nostalgic and looking back, and that’s okay. Because while you appreciate where you came from, you’ve worked hard for this new home, this new version of yourself.
Feeling the grief of growth means you are stepping into a reality your past self could only dream of. Honor them, carry their lessons and keep moving forward. You are becoming the person your past self needed, and you’re doing beautifully.
