The Red Flag Reframe: How to Use Your Dealbreakers to Find Your Green Flag Partner

Shirtless selfies on their dating profile? Red flag.

Pen-pal behavior without making plans? RED FLAG.

Is rude to the barista? RED EFFING FLAG.

We’ve all got a list. In an effort to find our dream partner, we’re all on the lookout for red flags, treating them like road signs, warnings of what to avoid. We hold tight to these lists of hard-won lessons and understandably so. After the rejection and disappointment we’ve all experienced, we want to put as many failsafes in place as possible to ensure that we don’t get hurt again. But what if they could also be guideposts, showing us what we actually want?

When we focus on things to avoid, we spot them everywhere, forgetting about the things we want, all the amazing qualities, traits and behaviors that comprise our dream human. It’s important to check our red flags because at their core, they hold an important key to fulfilling relationships: values. And when we focus on the positive aspects, we’ll see a lot more of them; law of attraction, baby. So this week, I want to challenge you to check your red flags and uncover the core value you want to share with your partner.

Core Values: The Tootsie Roll Center of Your Red Flags

Whether it’s on a dating app, a reality dating show or in conversation with friends, everyone is talking about red flags, how to spot them and how to avoid them. So if we’re looking for a good partner, why do we spend so much time focusing on negative aspects?

In a nutshell, it’s biological. In order to survive, we’re constantly scanning for signs of danger, threats to our safety, both physical and emotional. Signs of danger are much more pressing, requiring more immediate action. Negative experiences elicit a much stronger reaction in our brains, and negative experiences tend to have a stronger influence on us. So while we’re no longer worried about being chased by a saber-toothed tiger, our brains still work very hard to keep us safe from perceived threats in the shape of a**hole dates who don’t make us feel good.

When we look a little closer, we can see that at the core of every red flag is an important value that we want in our partners. This is something I explore with every client in the first few weeks of our work together. I have them list out their red flags and deal-breakers, explain the reasoning behind them, then I help guide them to the underlying value. For example, one of my client’s red flags was flashy dressers. She explained to me that she doesn’t like superficiality, has previously felt judged for dressing more casually around flashy dressers and, in her experience, flashy dressers tended to be vain show-offs. As she was sharing, what I heard underneath her stories were very specific values: humility, modesty and grounded confidence.

Let’s explore some common red flags to discover the underlying value:

• Inconsistent or poor communication: Whether they’re a bad texter, poor initiator, take forever to respond to your texts or communicate in a way that leaves you feeling anxious, you’re not about it. 

Underlying values: Reliability and honesty

• Emotional unavailability: They stick to surface level topics, avoid talking about emotions and are clearly uncomfortable when you express your feelings.

Underlying values: Empathy, self-awareness, depth and reciprocity

• Shirtless selfies on their dating profile: Whether they’re flexing at the gym or just posing at the beach, something about this is a huge turn off. It feels shallow, show-offy and like they’re just looking for sex.

Underlying values: depth, modesty, respect for boundaries

The nice thing about red flags is that by identifying what we don’t want, we’re perfectly poised to uncover the things we do want. That’s where the Law of Attraction comes into play.

The Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction states that positive thoughts lead to positive outcomes, while negative thoughts lead to negative outcomes. This might sound like spiritual, toxic positivity bullshit, but it’s not; it’s science. Have you ever learned a new word then seen it everywhere? That’s because our brains filter for the things we prioritize. We subconsciously assign higher value to certain input, so if you’re fixated on red flags, that’s what you’ll notice.

Focusing on the red flags also keeps us in a fear-based, scarcity mindset. Dating becomes a minefield where we are constantly trying to avoid getting hurt, rather than an opportunity to build fulfilling, meaningful connections. When fear is in charge, it’s easy to become hypervigilant, assuming every date is a disaster waiting to happen, that there are no good partners out there. This doesn’t just make dating exhausting; it keeps you stuck in the patterns you’re trying to escape.

So, let’s reframe with a mindset shift. Rather than avoiding, focus on attracting what aligns with you, your wants and your values. For example, “I don’t want to be ghosted” becomes “My ideal partner communicates clearly, reliably and honestly”. “I don’t want someone unemployed” becomes “I want a partner who is motivated, driven and financially stable”. And, “Coffee dates are an ick” becomes “I’m looking for a partner who invests in our connection with intention”.

When Red Flags Should Stay

While positive reframes are fantastic, not all red flags are created equal. Here are a few that you should never ignore.

• Abusive behavior is NEVER okay. If someone is controlling, manipulative, violent, or does anything that puts you at risk of emotional or physical harm, draw a line in the sand. This includes things like gaslighting, coercion or threats. Don’t rationalize or reframe.

• If they disrespect your boundaries, don’t take it lightly. Once may be an accident but if they regularly ignore or push your boundaries? Big no-no. It’s not a big leap from pushing boundaries to controlling behaviors or disrespecting your autonomy.

• Empathy is a necessary part of emotional availability and key to building a mutually fulfilling partnership. If someone shows a clear lack of empathy or remorse, that isn’t a mixed signal to be reinterpreted; those are glaring alarm bells.

• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness: uh-uh, honey. A little insecurity or jealousy now and again is normal, but when someone tries to control who you spend time with or how you live your life, you’re probably looking at the tip of the iceberg. These behaviors are likely to escalate over time, so don’t be afraid to shut it down.

Remember, red flags are our way of protecting ourselves from potential harm. And while they often have to do with values and personal preferences, you should never ignore critical warning signs when they show up. In this house, as much as we love a positive outlook, we much prefer trusting your instincts, setting boundaries and keeping yourself safe from harmful dynamics.

Put It All Together

You’ve explored your dating history and identified the red flags you will no longer entertain. You’ve uncovered the underlying values. You’re clear on the things you want and have shifted your mindset to attracting them, rather than avoiding the negative. Now it’s time to take it to the real world.

Part of the reason I have my clients internalize values is because we all create images of our ideal partner, images that can get very specific. We imagine their job, their hobbies, their height, tone of voice and eye color. And when someone comes along who doesn’t quite fit the mold, it’s easy to dismiss them. Focusing on values allows us to look for alignment, rather than perfection. It leaves us open to the myriad ways values may be expressed. Instead of ruling out dates who are younger than you, look for people who display maturity. Instead of nixing people based on their job title, seek out folks who are motivated, passionate about their interests and value financial security.

And armed with your new values-based checklist, always remember to hold onto your intuition. Whether or not someone ticks all your boxes isn’t nearly as important as how they make you feel. A great partner will make you feel safe, seen and valued. Green flag!

Conclusion

Let’s be clear: this values-based approach isn’t about toxic positivity or ignoring warning signs. We can’t pretend that red flags don’t exist and what we don’t want is to accept bad behavior in an attempt to stay positive. It’s about clarity, learning to trust yourself and focusing on the things that matter to you in a partner. What if you dated with clarity and intention, rather than fear and scarcity?

What if you learned to trust yourself to recognize when something doesn’t feel right? 

What if you focused on the things you actually desire in a partner? 

And what if you actively build a love life that reflects your needs, boundaries and dreams?