Debunking “The Spark”: Is It Connection or Is It Just Anxiety?
Once upon a time, a girl went on a perfectly decent date with a perfectly decent guy. They had a lovely chat, he paid for the coffees and even asked to see her again. She said yes; but by the time she got back to her car, the tides had turned.
“Hey, thanks so much for the coffee. I had a really nice time with you but I think we should just be friends. I just didn’t feel a spark.” And just like that, another one bites the dust.
The elusive spark: those fireworks, butterflies, rush of excitement we seek with a new boo. Whether in movies, books or through a friend’s cousin’s co-workers, we’re sold the fantasy of love at first sight, an instant explosion of chemistry that signals we’ve finally found “the one”.
Here’s the problem; not all sparks are created equal. Sometimes, it’s the foundation of a deep, genuine connection, a fire that builds and sustains the relationship. Other times, that intense wave of feelings that hits hard and fast actually just anxiety. Let’s talk about how to tell the difference between the two so you can make better choices in dating, setting yourself up for long-term success instead of a quick-dying flame.
When It’s Actually Anxiety
Disclaimer: Coaching is NOT psychotherapy, nor is it a replacement for psychotherapy.
Let’s go back to that story about the girl who rejected the perfectly decent guy. Spoiler alert, I was the girl, and at the time, I didn’t realize that what I interpreted as sparks was actually anxiety.
I was so used to falling for and pursuing emotionally unavailable partners that going out with someone reassuring and secure felt…boring. I was looking for fireworks, excitement, major attraction, the roller coaster ups and downs. And I’m not alone; I see this all the time in my clients, friends and reality TV stars (looking at you, Love Is Blind).
To understand why this happens, we need to talk about the nervous system and attachment wounds. Your nervous system’s job is to assess for external threats and keep you safe. When dating, this looks like a rush of adrenaline in response to uncertainty. That heightened state leads to you hyperfixating on your new person, interpreting that intensity as deep attraction.
For folks with insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized), unpredictability can feel normal in relationships. Their experience of love growing up was inconsistent, full of anxiety and emotional unavailability, meaning they’ll unintentionally keep seeking more of that familiar sensation.
On top of all of that, dopamine reinforces the cycle. Every time that unpredictable date comes back around, your brain releases dopamine not just in response to their interaction but also from the anticipation. In contrast, stability and security can feel dull, boring and entirely unfamiliar.
In practice, this looks like:
Feeling on-edge, preoccupied and a little obsessed: Ever analyzed every word in a conversation down to the punctuation, been distracted at brunch because they left you on read or tried to discern what their lame-o side hug meant? Same, honey. Same.
High highs and low lows: When they pay attention to you, you feel on top of the world. When they pull away, you spiral. Your mood hinges on their behavior.
Chasing validation: You feel like you have to prove yourself to them, or win them over. You never quite feel at ease with them, scared to say the wrong thing. One of my clients was scared to set a boundary around texting because she worried it would push her date away, and she would lose the reassurance of casual conversation.
Too much, too soon: One time after just one date, I started daydreaming about how he would propose. Red flag, babe. That wasn’t compatibility or connection because you cannot know enough about to discern that after just one date. I was craving reassurance, feeling anxious and mistaking the familiar feelings for connection.
While these connections feel intoxicating at first, they almost always burn bright and quick. It’s a shaky foundation that often leaves you confused, exhausted and burned.
Low and Slow: The Spark of Genuine Connection
Now it’s time to talk about a whole different kind of spark: that of genuine, lasting connection. When people talk about “keeping the spark alive”, this is what they mean. Rather than chaos and ups-and-downs, it starts with curiosity, warmth and openness, and is fed by consistency, intention and more curiosity.
How does it feel different from the first kind of spark?
You feel excited to see them without feeling preoccupied or obsessed when you’re apart.
You’re interested and engaged, as well as calm and at ease.
They communicate consistently and reassuringly. No hot-and-cold nonsense that leaves you wondering if you’ll ever hear from them again.
Attraction and depth build over time.
Good relationships take work, but they shouldn’t feel like an uphill battle, especially at the beginning. That same client who struggled to set communication boundaries? She’s currently dating someone who consistently plans dates, communicates reliably and actively attends to her needs. When we talk about their relationship, she’s excited but also at peace. He’s giving her the reassurance she needs without her needing to rush into a label or constantly clarify where they stand.
Keep in mind that this kind of connection will very quickly expose your growth edges and challenge you to push through barriers that have been holding you back from your ideal relationship. The client I mentioned above still experiences some anxiety but, for the first time in a long time, it isn’t triggered by her man’s behaviors. It’s lingering baggage and wounds that are coming forward because someone is providing safe space and asking her to share herself so that he can show up for her. Swoon, am I right?
Reframe How You Experience Chemistry
The key to breaking free from anxiety-driven relationships is reframing your idea of chemistry.
Let’s not undersell the importance of attraction because you deserve to be with someone you think is a total hottie. But instead of prioritizing instant intensity, look for sustainability over sparks, especially because attraction can grow over time. Instant chemistry is exhausting, like running a sprint, while genuine connection is slow and steady, like a marathon.
Most importantly, pay attention to how this feels in your body. If you feel like you’re chasing, pushing or spinning your wheels while making very little progress, you are not getting enough from that other person. Not enough reassurance, consistency and vulnerability.
When you’re used to chaotic relationships, calm and ease can feel unnatural. I remember feeling like I wasn’t trying hard enough and that would eventually blow up in my face. The reality was that I was finally in a relationship where I didn’t feel the need to prove myself or earn love.
Look for feelings of calm, safety and a deeper knowing that bringing up issues is an opportunity for problem-solving, not a potential bomb that will cause the relationship to implode. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.
TL;DR
If you only remember one thing here, let it be this: healthy connections will feel good. Sure, nothing is perfect and things will come up. But especially in the beginning, your new connection should make you feel comfortable, safe and excited to build something real.
So next time you feel “the spark”, ask yourself: is it genuine connection or is it just anxiety?
And if you want to experience the kind of transformation my client did, book your free discovery call today!
