A Guide to Attachment Styles: Follow the Secure Path to Thriving Love
Disclaimer: Coaching is NOT psychotherapy, nor is it a replacement for psychotherapy.
Hello, beautiful souls!
If you’ve found yourself on a date or the internet in the last few years, you’ve surely heard about the concept of attachment styles and attachment theory. But how much do you actually know about attachment? And how does it realistically impact your love life? It might sound a bit heavy but understanding attachment can seriously help you navigate dating, relationships and even your friendships. So buckle in, babe, we’re diving in!
The Psychology of It All
Disclaimer: Coaching is NOT psychotherapy, nor is it a replacement for psychotherapy. While I have a background in mental healthcare, I am NOT a therapist.
Attachment theory was developed as a framework to understand how we form emotional bonds, and how the earliest bonds we form impact the way we build relationships in adulthood. And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships; this includes relationships with friends, family members, colleagues and even yourself. Your attachment style can seriously influence your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Attachment Styles
You may already know that there are a few different attachment styles or patterns. There are tons of resources out there to explain these different styles (for example, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller) but let me break them down into 4 categories as derived from the Strange Experiment, conducted in 1969.
Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style most likely had attentive caregivers in childhood who responded to their emotional and physical needs. Securely attached adults tend to feel confident in their ability to connect and communicate. They aren’t perfect, but they do have a foundation of self-worth and emotional resilience, allowing them to navigate relationships in a way that feels fulfilling and balanced. Here’s how it shows up in the real world:
Healthy communication - They express their feelings and their needs openly while also respecting their partner’s perspective. For example, if something is bothering them, they address it calmly and vulnerably, rather than bottling it up or avoiding the conversation.
Balanced independence and intimacy - They can get close with their partner without losing sight of who they are. This looks like maintaining their life outside of the relationship, keeping up with hobbies, making time for friends, pursuing their goals AND making space for a committed relationship.
Trust and consistency - They trust their partner to show up and follow through on commitments, significantly dampening the need to seek reassurance. On the flip side, they’re dependable and follow through on their promises.
Emotional regulation - They’re able to handle relationship challenges without spiraling. Instead of reacting impulsively to conflict with emotional outbursts or retreat, they approach situations with curiosity and patience, focusing on resolution.
This is the standard for which we want to aim. Dating from a place of security, pursuing partners who make us feel secure and showing up in ways that make our partner feel secure, too.
Anxious Attachment
At its core, anxious attachment is rooted in a fear of abandonment, often stemming from inconsistent caregiving in childhood. This can lead to a lower sense of self-worth and tendency to idealize romantic partners. Anxiously attached folks tend to seek a lot of reassurance which can overwhelm their partners. In relationships, it looks like:
Hypervigilance - Overanalyzing texts, tone or body language for signs of disconnection. Interpreting your date’s “k” text as a sign that they’re mad at you is a prime example.
Clinginess - Prioritizing the relationship over the rest of their life and pedestalizing their partner.
Reassurance-seeking - Needing frequent validation to feel secure in the relationship.
Speaking from personal experience as a past anxiously attached girly, the insecurity cycle can feel exhausting for you and for your partner. But remember, the behaviors just stem from a need for love and security. Very, very understandable, right?
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment is characterized by a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and intimacy, often rooted in a lack of emotional support during childhood. This attachment style leads to hyper-independence and a need for control. In relationships, this looks like:
Emotional guarding - Being closed off emotionally and pulling back when things get too deep or conflict arises.
Distancing behaviors - Pulling away or withdrawing during moments of conflict, intensity or vulnerability.
Avoiding dependence - They may view reliance on others as a weakness and prioritize independence at all costs.
While they are often villainized as such, avoidant individuals aren’t cold or uncaring. Their behaviors are a protective attempt to shield themselves from vulnerability, loss of independence or rejection.
Disorganized Attachment
Also known as anxious-avoidant attachment, this attachment style is a combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies, often resulting from early trauma or chaotic caregiving environments in childhood. These folks deeply desire connection but fear it at the same time, leading to internal conflict, intense relationships and unpredictable behavior. In a relationship, this looks like:
Push-pull dynamics - Alternating between intense closeness and emotional withdrawal.
Fear of both rejection and intimacy - They struggle to trust themselves and their partners.
Emotional dysregulation - Difficulty managing and expressing their emotions, leading to erratic and unpredictable responses in relationships.
This is the least common attachment style and can feel very overwhelming. But know that healing is possible with self-awareness, therapy and supportive relationships.
Phew, that was a lot of info. And let me make something clear: there is nothing inherently good or bad about any attachment style. But if you’re struggling with an insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, disorganized), there are steps you can take to move towards a greater state of security. Your attachment style is not fixed or permanent, so let’s talk about ways to heal and cultivate healthier, trusting relationships.
Up Your Sense of Security
All attachment styles are just strategies our inner child developed to protect us. So take a moment to thank little you for all the hard work they’ve done. Building security in relationships starts with fostering a secure relationship with yourself, grounded in self-awareness. A healthy relationship with yourself translates into healthier relationships with others. Here are some strategies to “level up” your sense of security, regardless of your current attachment style.
Self-Reflection
Take some time to reflect on past relationships, especially the beginning stages. What do you feel when connecting with someone new? How do you behave in the early stages of a relationship? What moments of security can you recall? Look at non-romantic connections, too. If you need guidance, check out online quizzes, books, articles or, better yet, talk to a therapist. Knowledge is power and once you identify your attachment tendencies, you’re way better equipped to combat the behaviors you want to change.
Keep in mind that attachment is contextual, meaning that one person may activate your anxious tendencies while another brings out your secure side. Look for common trends and triggers.
Cultivate Self-Trust
Feeling secure with others begins with trusting yourself to be resilient, make good decisions and align your actions with your values. Honor the commitments you make to yourself, no matter how small. Celebrate past moments of resilience and be gentle with yourself during missteps. This healing and growth process is a marathon, not a sprint.
Emotional Attunement and Regulation
What does it look like to feel safe in your own body? It starts with a regulated nervous system and emotional intelligence. Learn to identify your emotions and figure out what they’re asking for. Practice self-regulation, rather than seeking it externally. Ground yourself through deep breathing or guided meditation and tend to your basic needs. Taking good care of yourself is a cue of safety.
Most importantly, learn to recognize whether your emotional responses stem from the present moment or past experiences. In other words, is your sweetie doing something that’s causing an emotional response, or is there past baggage you’re carrying with you?
Talk To Me, Baby!
Put that emotional intelligence into words and communicate with your partner. When you express your needs and set boundaries, it’s like setting up clear road signs in your relationship; no more guessing games or miscommunication. Self-regulating allows you to manage emotional responses, enabling calm, blame-free communication. Bring in the “I” statements and lean into opportunities for vulnerability. This helps your partner understand you better and allows for deeper connection.
Remember that there are two sides to any conflict and use your grounding techniques to listen to your partner with an open mind.
I’ll give you an example. I dated someone who was unreliable with communication and planning dates, a surefire way to ignite anxious patterns. Once I recognized how his behavior impacted me, I communicated how I felt and set a boundary for more consistent communication. When he couldn’t honor my boundary, I stepped away. Secure attachment means knowing yourself and your desires, then making the choice that honors them.
The Secure Path: Building a Foundation for Thriving Relationships
Emotional security isn’t something we’re born with. It’s a skill anyone can develop through intention, self-awareness and honest practice. Whether you’re starting from a place of insecurity or already have security in your relationships, there’s always room to grow. Because you deserve a life where love and relationships feel safe, fulfilling and empowering.
Remember, building security isn’t about achieving perfection, nor does it mean your insecure tendencies will disappear entirely. What it does mean is finding a path where you trust yourself, your judgment and your partner to tackle discomfort in a safe context, grow together and create a life where love thrives.
