From Heartbreak to Empowerment: How I Broke Free From Old Stories and Changed My Love Life
As a little girl, I was obsessed with Disney princesses. After watching The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty and Pocahontas on repeat for years, I was sure that if I just waited long enough, my own Prince Charming would sweep me off to our happy ending. As I grew up, I realized, as we all do, that the adult dating world is a bit more complicated. After years of ghosting, emotional unavailability, situationships, mediocre chemistry and poor communication, I was deep in a “poor me” mentality, hoping beyond hope that things would magically change. As a dating coach, I see this in so many of my clients who come to me feeling disillusioned when the reality of dating doesn’t match their vision, and I get it. If you’ve been dating for a while and find yourself continually hitting the same roadblocks, it’s easy to fall into a heartbreak spiral, replete with cynicism, hopelessness and questions about our worth. It wasn’t until I began to question my own role in my failed relationships that everything changed.
The Turning Point: Recognizing the Common Denominator
It was after another rejection that I saw coming a mile away that I had an epiphany. I had been in a string of relationships with several golden retriever outdoorsy boys, trying to contort myself into the cool, low maintenance granola girl who could keep up with their crazy sufferfest mountain adventures. On the verge of a combination pity party/shame spiral, it finally hit me that I was the common factor in all of my failed relationships.
This isn’t about self-blame, but rather empowerment. Yes, these people weren’t treating me the way I wanted to be treated and it wasn’t a reflection of my worth, nor was it something I deserved. But I didn’t need to take it lying down; it was something from which I could actively choose to walk away. This is the shift I try to bring forward for each and everyone of my clients because moving from external blame to internal empowerment is one of the most powerful steps we can take.
The Victim Mentality Trap
Victim mentality is like getting trapped in quicksand. It keeps us stuck blaming others, feeling powerless and doubting our self-worth, convinced that there’s nothing we can do to stop the pain. And it can stem from very real trauma and pain.
Moving beyond this is a process of validating the experiences and resultant pain, acknowledging areas for personal growth, then taking steps to increase your resiliency, grow your confidence and take empowered action. For my clients, and myself, this starts with learning to recognize emotions sans judgment, holding space for the parts of you that are hurting, then focusing on small, tangible steps to introduce yourself to true empowerment.
Accountability vs. Self-Blame
While we want to take accountability for our roles in these patterns, it’s important to do this without beating yourself up. The first time I considered my own role in my unhappiness was years prior. My thoughts quickly went from “I’m the common denominator” to “I’m not good enough to be chosen”. I had low self-esteem and wasn’t armed with the skills to support myself through deep soul searching. I invested in therapy and coaching, and surrounded myself with amazing communities who began to reflect my worth back to me, even if I didn’t yet believe in it. As I invested more energy in becoming the person I wanted to be, I found it easier to treat myself with compassionate accountability, a skill I now model for my clients as they delve into the pain points they wish to overcome.
Identifying Patterns and Their Roots
I spent a lot of time exploring past relationships, looking at my childhood and noticing patterns in my romantic history. It was a helluva journey but once I started bringing these things out in the open, they became less scary and easier to work. I stopped pursuing charisma in order to feel chosen. I learned to manage depression, rather than looking for a partner who could bring me joy. And I stopped seeking external validation, trading it in for authentic, values-based connection. Therapy, coaching, parts work, meditation, women’s groups and journaling were HUGE parts of my journey, tools that I continue to use to this day both as a coach and as an ever-changing human. With feelings like shame, fear and sadness featuring so boldly in our experiences, it’s easy to feel like we have to figure it all out on our own. That’s why I share my story, to validate and normalize the experience, to show you that asking for support is not just brave, but also incredibly beautiful. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the support I’ve received, and that’s why I am so passionate about helping my clients.
Taking Ownership of Your Growth
The changes I experienced were pretty incredible. I reconsidered how my actions reflected my relationship desires and was struck by the dissonance. I wanted a secure, healthy relationship grounded in open communication, honesty and mutual respect. But I was allowing my anxious habits to take over, preventing me from communicating for fear of abandonment, avoiding necessary boundaries that might push people away. I started practicing those skills in small, safe steps with people I could trust, a process which instilled enough confidence in me that I could take it to the bigger dating arena. I wasn’t born knowing how to set boundaries, identify red flags or engage in healthy vulnerability. Those are skills I learned, and so can you.
Mindset shifts were incredibly important here, too. My scarcity mindset told me “there are no good partners out there, sad face”, so I tried to drown that out by shouting “there’s an ABUNDANCE OF INCREDIBLE PARTNERS OUT THERE”. Yeah, that didn’t work because I didn’t believe it. Instead, I got realistic in my affirmations, gently telling myself “I know what I want in a partner, I believe that partner exists and I trust in my ability to find them”.
Why This Shift Matters
Listen, I’m not saying that breaking out of victim mentality will lead you to your soul mate tomorrow. Maybe it will; that would be pretty cool!
I’m still a single gal but since implementing these changes in my life, I’ve had more fun on dates, felt more relaxed in my romantic interactions and spent time with truly amazing people; people who show me that relationships take effort but don’t have to be hard, who treat me with deep respect and care, and who make me feel beautiful, sexy and accepted, always. And that all started with me. The more I trust in my worth and my ability to create the life I desire, the more experiences I have that strengthen those beliefs. That’s the whole reason I focus on empowerment with each and every one of my clients. Finding love is great. Learning to love yourself enough to pursue the things you want is so much sweeter.
I still feel my anxious tendencies creeping in now and then, and I’m still working on my boundaries. But this process isn’t about perfection, it’s about following the path that leads to your healthiest, most aligned and most loved on self.
Conclusion
If my story resonates, I want you to know that I see you, wherever you are on your journey. I invite you to reflect on your patterns and the actions you can take to initiate the changes you want to see. But don’t let me catch you getting down on yourself. Be gentle with the tender, complicated, beautiful past versions of yourself as you learn to step into your power.
And if you need a little help along the road, whether you’re ready to explore your dating patterns, build a stronger sense of self or move forward with more confidence, I’m here to support you in creating the life and love you truly deserve. All you have to do is hop on a call!
