Emotional Availability: What It Is, Why It Matters and How To Cultivate It
Whether you’re listening to your friend’s latest dating tales or scrolling through prompts on the dating apps, emotional availability is a HOT topic nowadays. After my roommate met her current boyfriend through mutual friends, his first question for them was “Is she emotionally available?” We all want it and we all want to be it. But how much do you actually know about emotional availability?
Defining Emotional Availability
Emotional availability is the ability to form meaningful, emotional connections. It’s more than just talking about feelings–it’s about being open to intimacy, sharing vulnerability and making space for another person’s internal world. The give-and-take of trust and openness forms the foundation for happy, healthy relationships.
An emotionally available person consistently shows up as their authentic self. They’re present with you in any emotional state, show affection and communicate with empathy. Beyond how they engage with you, they also demonstrate self-awareness, self-care and emotional attunement. Their ability to understand their own emotions helps them validate yours, and prepares them to face discomfort together. They take accountability for their actions, nurture trust and respect your boundaries, whether physical, emotional or mental. When trust is met with emotional openness, it creates a positive feedback loop where connection deepens and thrives. Yummy!
Emotional Unavailability
On the flip side, emotionally unavailable people express deep discomfort identifying and expressing emotions, along with a fear of intimacy. This can develop due to unresolved childhood experiences (hello attachment styles), past relationship trauma or even current life stressors. Like that time when work was so insane that you barely had space to connect with yourself, let alone another person.
Vulnerability is always a little scary because you’re bringing the softest, squishiest, most delicate parts of yourself out in the open. However, emotionally unavailable folks actively avoid it. They may shy away from discussing emotions and confronting relationship issues. They might also avoid labels, send mixed signals, struggle with self-care and exhibit mistrust.
If someone frequently keeps you at arm’s length, doesn’t follow through on emotional conversations or avoids discussing the relationship, they may not have the capacity for deeper connection.
Become More Emotionally Available
If you feel called out by the above description, don’t panic, babe. Emotional availability is a skill anyone can cultivate with the right intention. Start by asking yourself:
Do I struggle to name or express my emotions?
Do I avoid intimacy for fear of getting hurt?
Have I built walls to protect myself that now feel hard to take down?
Self-awareness is key (isn’t it always?). If you find that you tend to be less emotionally available, it likely means there’s some distance between you and your own emotions. The goal isn’t to force vulnerability but to become more comfortable with your inner world.
A great place to start is nervous system regulation. When our bodies interpret emotional intimacy as a threat, the nervous system tries to protect us from harm by shutting down, withdrawing or pushing people away. Thanks, nervous system, you’re working so hard! But we’re taking back control of the steering wheel. One regulation technique I love teaching my clients is butterfly tapping, perfect for moments of emotional discomfort:
Cross your arms over your chest, fingers resting just below your collarbone.
Tap your chest alternately, one side at a time.
Breathe deeply; long inhales and slow, full exhales.
Add an affirmation. If you need one, borrow mine–“I am safe, I am loved, I am valued, I am powerful.”
When you feel more grounded, start practicing small moments of vulnerability in safe spaces. No grand gestures needed, just push yourself a little outside of your comfort zone with trusted friends. And please, please, please be so gentle with yourself. Emotional growth takes time and effort; you’re doing the work, babe!
Identifying Their Emotional Availability
Wondering if your new crush is emotionally available? Pay attention to how their words and actions align. An emotionally available person
Shows up consistently and authentically.
Is open to deeper conversations (there’s only so much they can say about their favorite color).
Handles conflict and stress with accountability and nonjudgement.
Shares their inner world over time.
Look for someone who invites you into their life and is interested, rather than interesting. Do they ask meaningful questions? Do they listen and engage with what you share? Do they make space for your emotions? Someone who’s invested in a connection is their willingness to truly see and hear you. If you’re still feeling confused, don’t be afraid to ask them directly!
And here’s the most important part: if you realize your new date is emotionally unavailable, don’t take that as an invitation to wait for them to change. They might be a great person, but if they can’t meet you in the kind of connection you desire, holding onto hope will only leave you feeling depleted and icky. You can’t change someone who isn’t ready to change themselves. You deserve a partner who can meet you fully right now, so don’t settle for less.
Some Final Thoughts
Emotional availability is at the heart of meaningful connection. Whether you’re working on become more open yourself or learning to recognize it in others, the key is patience. Building emotional intimacy takes time but the result is a relationship that feels safe, fulfilling and deeply connected.
You don’t have to settle for half-hearted connection, babe. You deserve the full, rich experience of love and intimacy, and that starts with showing up for yourself first.
