Dating Isn’t Just For Singles: Why Dating Doesn’t End After “The One”
We all dream of happily ever after, that moment after the trials and tribulations of dating when we ride off into the sunset with our perfect match to live out the rest of our lives in relational bliss. We label the relationship as the end point where things magically fall into place. Then, 6 months, 1 year, 10 years down the line, fights happen, issues come up and we wonder what happened to our happy ending?
We grow up believing relationships should be effortless once we find “the one.” But the truth is, relationships aren’t a finish line, rather a living, evolving connection that requires continued care. That doesn’t mean love should feel like a struggle. Healthy relationships thrive on ongoing attention, curiosity and shared intention, not hardship. The best relationships aren’t exhausting or burdensome work, but rather a mutual investment that deepens your connection over time. That’s why it’s so important to keep dating your partner, even after the honeymoon phase fades. When both partners stay curious, intentional and engaged, relationships thrive, not because of struggle, but because of shared investment. Dating isn’t just for the single folks; it’s a tool for deepening connections over time.
Continuous Investment
This might make sense in theory but why do you need to continuously invest in the relationship? You went through all the insight work and boundary setting to show up as your best self and found someone who honors that, made you feel sexy and valued; things should be easy breezy now, right?
Umm…
That might be true during the honeymoon phase and while those things build a great relationship foundation, we are constantly changing and evolving. Choosing someone for the long haul means committing to them through all seasons of life, whether they’re absolutely thriving in that new job, crawling their way through grad school, taking care of sick family members or celebrating buying a house together. By adapting with each other, you allow the relationship to grow and evolve in beautiful ways. It may look different from where you started, but that’s why this is so important.
Staying intentionally invested prevents you from falling into autopilot or taking each other for granted; it’s the glue that keeps you both feeling connected, valued and fulfilled. It’s how you keep the spark alive.
We’ve all heard the phrase “relationships take work,” but the real magic isn’t in the struggle, it’s in staying engaged. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners intentionally invest in each other, rather than running on autopilot. So let’s talk about some ways to maintain the investment.
Keep Dating? Say More…
What do you think of when you think of dating? It probably conjures images of firsts: first glances, first touches, first time having sex, first time introducing them to your friends, parents and dogs. When you and your partner have been together for a while, it may feel like there are no more firsts to discover. While that isn’t necessarily true (we are always changing and uncovering new dimensions of ourselves), this is a moment to redefine dating for a new era of the relationship, a definition which hinges on intention.
The most important component of dating is in prioritizing quality time together sans distractions like phones or work stress. This may sound simple but it makes a HUGE difference, especially when you and your partner share a life together. Just because you spend a lot of time together does not mean you’re getting what you both need out of that shared time. So set specific couple time aside where you not only focus on each other but also create new experiences together.
We, as humans, crave novelty, a tendency that definitely conflicts with our desire for security as a result of closeness in relationships. Esther Perel has done some incredible research on this topic, if you’re curious to learn more. The TL;DR version of this is to keep relationships fresh and expansive by breaking out of routine. These don’t need to be huge changes, either. For example, my ex and I loved cooking together, an activity we spiced up by buying random ingredients and working together to turn it into a fancy meal. It encouraged us to work together, get creative and appreciate each other’s unique ways of thinking–exactly the kind of novelty that keeps relationships feeling alive.
Outside of specific quality time, there are little things to keep in mind in your day-to-day life. Make sure you’re making an effort to express things like attraction and appreciation, rather than assuming that it’s implied. This is especially important when you and your partner speak different love languages. You may think that cooking dinner for your sweetie is a clear show of affection and appreciation (I see you, you acts of service cutie). But if your partner thrives on words of affirmation, they might need to actually hear you say “I love you and appreciate you” in order to truly feel it.
Additionally, don’t assume you and your partner know everything about each other. One of my favorite mantras in dating is “interested, not interesting” because it feels so incredible to have someone show a genuine desire to get to know and understand you. So stay curious about the complex mystery that is your love; you never know what tasty tidbits are left to uncover.
Keep the Spark Alive
With our new definition and ground rules for continuing to date, let’s discuss some tangible ways to keep that spark alive, well and burning bright.
Plan intentional date nights: Whether you’re getting dressed up for a fancy night out or doing pizza and pjs on the couch, make date night a special occasion. Turn off your phones, hire a babysitter, take a shower, do whatever it takes to make the night feel special.
Do new things: Bring novelty into your relationship. Try a new hobby or activity together, plan a trip somewhere you’ve never been or invest in tools that help you dive deep. Once again, my girl Esther Perel has a great card game for this, as do psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, an absolute powerhouse couple who’ve been studying relationships for decades. And if card games aren’t your thing, now might be the perfect time to hit the Pickleball courts together.
Be playful and flirty: Flirting isn’t just for expressing interest to someone new. Remember those early days when locking eyes, holding hands or sharing jokes with your babe made you feel like the only two people in the world? You can bring that back! Keep sharing compliments, inside jokes, playful touch, friendly competition, surprises and banter. You could even revisit an early date. I’ve done this by visiting a lake where a partner and I spent the 4th of July, laughing about our hiking misadventures while sharing a pot of mac ‘n’ cheese. Make sure to keep things light, playful and sweet.
Emotional check-ins: It’s easy to fall into a predictable routine where you and your partner discuss daily logistics, basic details and not much else. Work some rituals into that routine that build space for deeper connection. One couple I know does a nightly check-in where they share highlights and gratitudes from the day before going to bed. You chose your partner because you feel safe being vulnerable with them, so make sure you continue to stay open.
Dating Coaching Ain’t Just for Singles
So what do you do when life happens, and you and your partner hit a rut or feel distant? That’s where a dating coach can help.
Most people assume that dating coaches are for helping single people break out of patterns and learn how to more effectively find a relationship. While that’s a big part of the work, we also teach crucial communication, self-awareness and connection skills that help you not only build a healthy relationship, but also maintain it in ways that keep the romance alive. A dating coach can help you figure out not just what you want in a relationship, but how to continuously create the conditions to help that connection thrive.
“I’m not actively in the dating scene, but so much of your work feels relevant to me in a relationship.” I received this message from a dear friend just a few days ago, and I hear similar sentiments almost every day. We can always show up with a drop more authenticity, intention and vulnerability, even if we’ve been in a relationship for years. Working with a dating coach is a way to encourage that intentionality, prevent stagnation and work through challenges before they become ingrained habits that lead to long-term issues.
Some specific ways a dating coach can help include:
Keeping emotional and physical intimacy strong (the sex lull post-honeymoon phase can be brutal).
Maintaining communication channels so that needs are met and boundaries respected.
Navigating transitional periods such as moving in together, marriage, having kids or exploring polyamory.
Conflict resolution strategies.
If you’re in a relationship and wondering how to keep things fresh and connected, dating coaching might be a great fit; the work doesn’t stop just because you find your person.
Wrap-Up
The truth is, relationships don’t just thrive by accident. They flourish because both partners continue to choose each other, day after day and year after year. Dating doesn’t end once you’ve found your person. It evolves into a practice of connection, playfulness and shared growth. And if you ever feel stagnant or in need of fresh tools to keep your relationship in the best possible shape, a dating coach can help. Because love isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s about choosing them again and again.
If you’re curious about how dating coaching can support your relationship, reach out; I’d love to chat!
